Stark’s apartment, Tuesday evening

[designateddadfriend]

So. Travis had basically invited himself over to Stark’s this evening to — what. Break up with him? Go steady? He honestly wasn’t sure which. But he was sore this was a long overdue conversation and his previous habit of staying anxiously in a middle area waiting for shit to get real and fall apart wash actually, you know, healthy or functional. And his own damn parents had just broken up over — among other things — not communicating with each other.

So here he was. To communicate.

He’d brought beer, because it seemed polite. And Probie, because odds were good one or both of them was going to need an emotional support animal tonight.

He knocked on the door.

[for the anxious alien boy]

Comments

[stykera]

Anxious? Stark? Yes. Nearly always.

But he could open the door. That was easy enough. So he did, offering a very hesitant half-smile. "Come in," he said, stepping back to make room.

Probie got a slightly more real smile.

[designateddadfriend]

Travis noticed. So bringing the dog was a good idea, even if it kinda hit hard that Stark had more faith in her than in him.

But like. Also that was super fair.

"I brought beer," he offered, coming in. Probie trotted along at heel, ears up and alert as she looked between the two of them.

[stykera]

It wasn't a lack of faith in Travis as much as a firm belief that things were going go poorly because that was just how his life was, most of the time.

"Beer is good," Stark said. "I...should I have gotten food?"

Which was maybe 'are you staying long enough to eat' or maybe just an attempt to feel like he might be able to be useful.

"Do you want to sit?"

[designateddadfriend]

"No," Travis said. "I mean yes. I -- no you didn't need to get food and yes, I think I'll sit."

He went to the couch and sat.

And stood up again a moment later to grab one of the beers and crack it open. Then sat again. And resisted the urge to get up and pace.

Probie looked from him to Stark, unsure just where she would be most needed here. Both of them were their own version of giant wrecks!

[stykera]

"You don't have to sit," Stark said, watching him for a moment before sitting at the opposite end of the couch on the very edge of the cushion.

"Travis, I..." he stopped, frowning. "Could I have one of those?"

[designateddadfriend]

"Yes," Travis said firmly, reaching over to push the beer closer to Stark. "Absolutely, that's why I brought a whole six pack."

They were both probably going to need liquid courage here. Right? This wasn't just Travis obsessing about all this?

[stykera]

That depended on how this went.

"Ok. Good." He was just going to pick up a beer and hold it. If nothing else it gave him something to do with his hands.

"What...what did you...what do you need to say?"

Maybe it was better to just say it and not drag it out? He'd had a bad experience sitting on this couch like this once.

[designateddadfriend]

Travis nodded. Took a long sip of his beer. Tried to figure out which of the many versions of this conversation opener he'd rehearsed would work out the best. He'd ease into it, try to put Stark at ease first, then --

"I'm not in love with you."

-- or maybe he'd just blurt it out. Vic was going to have words with him about this later.

[stykera]

That wasn't what Stark expected to hear. That was...so much better than what Stark had expected to hear. It was still startling. Startling enough that nearly dropped the beer he was holding.

"Oh."

That was probably not the most helpful response.

[designateddadfriend]

It really wasn't. Especially since Travis wildly misinterpreted it.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I know you've been hurt before, and you definitely deserve someone who really loves you. If you want to stop what we're doing, I totally understand. I -- I just -- I'm still getting over Michael and I've been in too many relationships lately where one of us is feeling way more than the other and I just -- don't want that again. So -- there. Cards on the table. I don't love you, and I'm probably not going to start."

Oh god, he sounded like a terrible person. He was just going to shove his beer in his mouth and take a sip before any more babble came out.

[stykera]

Stark stared for a moment, wide-eyed.

"Oh. No. Travis, I..." He was just going to chug his own beer now.

"I...I don't...you don't need to."

[designateddadfriend]

“. . . I don’t?”

[stykera]

"No," Stark said softly, putting down the now-empty can. "No, you...I didn't think you did. I didn't expect you to."

He didn't expect anyone to, really.

He turned so he could look at Travis properly. "But you don't have to. You never had to. I...I don't either. I'm sorry."

Apologies were something of a force of habit.

[designateddadfriend]

“No no,” Travis said quickly. “Like you said, that’s good. I guess I thought — the way you were always trying to, I don’t know, take care of me, in Seattle. . . .”

That was because you were going through some shit, Trav. Also Stark liked to do things for people.

[stykera]

"Did I make you uncomfortable? I didn't mean to!"

They were both such messes sometimes.

"I just thought...there was a lot happening. And you might need...support?"

[designateddadfriend]

“Well — yeah, but. It was sort of. Boyfriend-y.”

[stykera]

That was a bit rich coming from the guy in the room who invited the other one home for Thanksgiving!

"Am I not supposed to care about you? I do care. That's why I was trying to help. Not to try and make you feel anything. Or do anything."

[designateddadfriend]

That was — true. Travis had no excuse.

He sat back with a sigh. “No, it’s — I don’t know. I guess Emmet and I broke up because He fell in love with me and I didn’t love him back. And Grant and I ended because it was weird trying to get physical after he had to nurse me back to health. . . . I’m probably projecting.”

[stykera]

"I'm...not. In love. With you. Or anyone." Anyone. "I'm not...trying to be."

He was kind of actively trying not to be. It hadn't worked out well the last time he'd tried it.

"But..." Stark sighed a little, looking down at his hands. "I do care. About you. For you. And I'd...if you don't want to do this, whatever this is, anymore, we don't..."

[designateddadfriend]

"I care about you, too," Travis said quickly. "I like you, Stark, you're sweet and thoughtful and so awkward I actually feel kind of graceful sometimes." Was that last one supposed to be a compliment? "I just -- didn't want to end up breaking your heart. I've done enough of that, lately."

[stykera]

"I don't want my heart broken again either," Stark said, glancing over at him.

"And I like you. Very much. But... now what? I like this. Being with you."

[designateddadfriend]

"I do too. Though, uh. I guess . . . maybe don't get cranky if I don't have an answer for how you can help all the time?" Travis shrugged. "I'm not great at that kind of thing."

[stykera]

"I don't mean to be cranky. Or upset. Or... I just worry." Constantly.

"And I want to help when I can. I'll try to do better."

[designateddadfriend]

Travis sighed. "Knock that off," he said gently. "You really don't need to apologize or try to change all the time." That was part of why, while he really liked Stark, he knew he was never going to be in love with him. He needed someone who pushed back on him as much as Vic would.

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Let's just -- keep having fun," he said. "We can be friends who have sex and not boyfriends. Good?"

[stykera]

Stark bit back an automatic 'sorry.'

"I don't mean to do it. Old habit. I'm just used to doing it."

He sighed a little, looking down. "I...I don't like losing people. I'd like not to lose you. As a friend or anything else."

[designateddadfriend]

Travis winced. "I mean -- I'm a firefighter. Statistically we tend to die early."

And he knew entirely too well how it felt when people you cared about died on the job.

"But, uh. Other than that, I'm pretty tenacious."

[stykera]

"Try not to. If you can. I watched you die once. I don't want to do it again."

[designateddadfriend]

"You know, Vic once gave me that same lecture," Travis said. "I'll do my best not to let either of you down."

[stykera]

"I think you ought to stop dying so often," Stark told him, cracking a small smile. "Or soon you'll have upset everyone you know."

[designateddadfriend]

Travis winced. "Yeah . . . didn't need to die to do that to Mom and Dad." He sighed. "And I thought they were messed up when I came out."

[stykera]

"That was..." Stark shook his head, realizing he didn't really have the right words for it. "I'm sorry it happened that way. He shouldn't have lied to her for so long. And he shouldn't have been cruel to you. You both deserve better."